I thought it would be a hoot to figure out who I would cast in a live-action Cooties movie. Our five lead actors would all have to be kids in their early teens, so a year from now this will be totally obsolete and I’ll have to do it again. Just the world we live in, I guess. Anyway, here we go. Our lead 5 kids:

Benjamin Smith (Bob the Butler) as Nate — Ben Smith has the ability to pull off a great weirded-out look, essential for the role of a kid who is pursued by aliens and superheroes alike.

Jansen Panettiere (The Perfect Game) as Jake — Jansen gets the part mainly because he would be contractually obligated to bring his sister Hayden on the set, but I think he could pull off the wimpy-kid turned schitzo-ninja just fine. Someone get some bleach for this kid!

Isabelle Fuhrman (Orphan) as Carmen — Give Isabelle a couple weeks at the beach and she could easily portray our brave mind-controlling latinita.

Chloe Moretz (Kick-@$$) as Lori — Chloe’s involvement is non-negotiable. The perfect mix of wit and cuteness to play this common-sense-challenged blonde heroine.

Jaden Smith (The Karate Kid) as Sam — Jaden would be fabulous as our wheelchair-bound geek whiz kid. Plus his dad Will Smith will have to have a cameo somewhere…

Our kids are going to need some talented actors to round out the supporting cast as well. This part was a heck of a lot easier (do you know how hard it is to find latina child actresses? Geez!) Onward!

Tom Hanks (Angels & Demons) as Mr. Bell — The great Mr. Hanks has the chops to play anybody. The wry humor and grim determination of this former agent turned schoolteacher would be a snap for him.

James McAvoy (Wanted) as The Comet — Hey, we gotta get some females in the theater, right? James can play the dashing Jane Austen-esque gentlemen or the tough-as-nails superdude with equal ease.

Bruce Campbell (Burn Notice, Army of Darkness) as Agent Campbell — Yes, I had Bruce in mind when creating this character in the first place. I have to take any chance I can to channel his awesomeness.

John Cho (Star Trek) as Agent Chen — John demonstrated some awesome fighting skillz in Star Trek; perfect for the martial-arts wielding young agent who resides in Jake’s brain.

Amy Adams (Julie & Julia) as Agent Foster — Every secret agency needs a spunky redhead. And Amy needs to do a good geeky sci-fi movie. A match made in heaven!

John Voight (National Treasure, 24) as The Boss — I don’t think I’ve ever given the man in charge of the “Men in Gray” a name…but he’s right up Mr. Voight’s alley.

Hugo Weaving (Lord of the Rings trilogy) as The Blue-Cloaked Alien (voice) — My aliens would be CGI, of course, but they need some sweet voice work to really bring them to life. This right here is what I’m talking about.

Andy Serkis (Lord of the Rings) as The Red-Cloaked Alien (voice) — Oh man this could be really creepy, you guys…

And that’s it! I hope I haven’t forgotten anyone important (Wedge and Mr. Sowell could have been cast, too, I guess), and I hope you liked it! Let me know if you can think of some better actors/actresses, or even come up with some more supporting characters I left out. That’s a wrap!